To sonder, as coined by John Koenig, is the realization and understanding that all other people have lives as complex as one's own. Sondering, the action that enables this noticing, is something that I find immense comfort in doing. I spend most of my day thinking of the worst thing that could happen to me and I've noticed that the few moments of peace I have ever experienced in the 27 years I have been alive is when I can observe others live. Sondering, its like being a cuck to the feeling of being alive. I want to write about this because I want a record of the times I wasn't in my own head. If I make spelling mistakes, fill in the gaps yourself, I write these in a state of desperation.
I am writing this entry on June 14th, 2026, 10 pm. On Monday May 25, 2026, my friend Lauren W., asked me if I would like to join her for her birthday with other friends in Grand Bend, Ontario. This is very exciting for me, as I met lauren W through my dear friend Sabina. Now, we are all friends. I saw the message right away but took about 5 mins to think about all the scenarios of how I would ruin it if I went. The top three scenarios that stuck out included starting a bar fight I couldn’t end, developing schizophrenia from an unexpected drug-use, or experiencing a friendship break-up. I settled on the fact that if things go sour the most likely outcome was that I would never be invited back. So, I said yes.
The issue is not that I am an awful person that ruins things but rather that I don’t ever know if anyone truly likes me. A reasonable person would say that an invite to an intimate birthday getaway would be limited to the people that are liked by the celebrated, but I am not reasonable. I am only one thing, anxious.
Fast forward, it’s June 12th, 2026, and I took the day off for a rescheduled appointment. After receiving some tough love from my family doctor about my rapidly declining mental health and a worrisome fightbump, I spent the rest of the afternoon packing for the trip and thinking about how I could entertain the ladies that would be driving me up to the cottage from my designated backseat. Melissa, also a dear friend, offered to drive Lauren and I up to the cottage, and so I wanted to show my gratitude by not being boring. (For the close friends reading this, I know you’ll argue, I have never been boring. I want to rebuttal that by saying that “never boring” is not always a compliment. I know I worry some of you). I packed my bags and drove myself to catch a train to meet them a quarter of the way. On the train, I worried about developing Melanconia, out of the fear that my depression may be untreatable. I texted my friend Qaanita for advice, she reminded me to start my medication I had been sitting on for months. I agreed that was good advice and proceeded not to take it. By the time I arrived at the carpool area I had already imagined myself needing shock therapy to feel something. I would argue, it’s better than imagining myself dead.
June 12, 2026 at 5:42 pm, we were on the road. I don’t remember much of it but the quiet and enclosed nature of the backseat of Melissa’s car allowed me to begin my first act of sondering. I watched Mel and Lauren sing through a curated playlist, both taking pauses to update me on their jobs and romantic endeavors. At this moment, I don't relate, but I do remember my own time. Not only am I happy, I am also relieved. Something about hearing others speak of their life, so different from mine, brings nothing but peace to my mind, that proves to be my worst enemy. See, life isn’t so bad, the people you love are living.
June 12, 2026 at 8:30 pm, we arrived in Grand Bend. It was busy, I could see everyone on the street was much younger than my friends and I. People are living. The first thing I can think of is, they’ll survive the things I did and be here like me someday. That brought me some courage, that I could say hi to faces waiting inside the cottage that I was yet to form a deep connection with. As we got in, I was met with some hugs as greetings. I am so awkward, I never breathe during my hugs because I don’t want to make the other person uncomfortable with my ribs (Like, where did I even come up with that???). We are off to a bad start but all my worries are eased with a trip to the grocery store. I love grocery shopping. I watch all the conversations between the others, I realize I don’t have to say something just to be involved, they've already included me. I can just be here.This realization I will abuse to sonder.
June 12, 2026 at 3 am. Between 9 pm and 3 am, the night is a blur to me. Two things that stuck out was that my friend Mikey flipped me off randomly. It made me laugh so hard I teared up. Then everyone proceeded to do that repeatedly around the group. The second thing was a late night plunge. We all put on our bathing suits and walked to the beach. We took the dip, it was freezing (to me). Afterwards, we laid on the beach and I got the opportunity to zone out and stare at the sky. I didn’t look around, only up, but I heard everyone around me. So many silly conversations, so many sweet moments. Everyone had a life outside of my head. I felt like I was living their moments. I can be alive through my friends even if I don’t want to be living.
June 13, 2026, at 8:30 pm. All day on the 13th, I felt like I was sleeping. I enjoyed my time in the sun but I was mostly non-verbal. The great lakes have that effect on a person. However, at 8:15 pm I asked one of my friends Josh for the time. He told me 7:15, he was correct by Mikey, it was 8:15. Sundown, as I had checked on google in the morning, was at 9:05 pm. I needed to go to the lake and take a dip as the sun went down. I looked around me, I was barely part of the conversation so I could sneak out but I didn’t want to be alone. I looked at my friend Sabina, I sent her a text:
Me: If I disappear to take a sunset dip will everyone get mad
Sabina: Nooo. Want me to come. Take Photos.
Me: Yes plz scared to go alone. But we have to sneak out.
Sabina: I come.
What followed was a mission to gather all the girls for a beautiful moment in the sunset. Bathing suits on we rushed to the lake, not before being called old by a group of 19 year old boys (lets not dig deep here). We got to the lake and got in immediately. I had spent most of the day being distant but this moment I wanted to feel close. I asked them all to hold hands and say a positive affirmation. Starting with the Birthday girl, we all shared what we wanted for the rest of the year. Some people expressed how good things were going and others expressed how they wanted things to improve. I said : "I no longer want to punish myself for my mistakes, If I can learn from them instead”. Everyone agreed. As I looked around my circle of girls, I am at peace with the idea that they all live lives as complex as mine. I am not alone or lonely. I am liked and maybe sometimes even loved. Next time, I am going to ask them for a skinny dip.
June 14, 2026, at 9:00 am, the weekend has come to an end. When my eyes opened the first thing I thought about was work. Boring and painful. Monday will be no fun but downstairs, people who are savouring the final moments of this weekend are waiting. I made a conscious decision to be present by offering my cleaning services. The b’n’b was spotless (except the floors) and the final act is a quiet and rainy ride home. In the car, I was constantly thinking about all the moments I noticed other people live. I don’t think it was different from any other day where I notice the people around me living differently then me. But I realized how much peace it brings me to know how small I am and how insignificant my mind is in comparison to the world around me. That is the birth place of this series. I can’t wait for the next sondering (I have to tell my therapist about this blog). Oh and Happy Birthday Lauren, I love you.